...

S***!!! I can't think of anything happy.. :'(

..a reunion with people you love to be with!

Yeah.. I'm loving today!

Today was Nanie's wedding reception at her home here and to my pleasant not-really-surprise, most of my adik² are coming here. Well, not really most la.. but the ones that REALLY matter are almost ALL here.

In the midst of the sadness thats been engulfing me the past few days, I found myself with a big smile when I met Lily. Its been more than a year since I met her and somehow, I feel as if she's grown a lot more taller (or is it me who's grown shorter?). Then there was Helmi (whom, the truth is, I just met 2 weeks ago). Pojie tak yah kire la.. I see him everyday BUT then there was one of my favourites --> ALEM!!! Whose grown a bit bigger (or if I wanna flatter myself, let me think that I've grown smaller heheh..)

Somehow, they remind me how much I miss the whole lot of them.

And yes, I'm still smiling :)

..field work.. again?

Yup.. yesterday, a whole batch of us 18 students went to do some data collection for a consultant on PLUS projects. Whem my friend told us about the project, I cheered loudly haha.. eversince I don't feel obliged coming to school, I've been feeling a bit restless AND bored! Kinda made me wanna do my writing again.. but God forbid la!!!! Tamau dah hehe..

Anyway, this was a new kinda data collection which we've heard of once before (but our version included the help from the police) but never really had any experience on it. So when my friend ask all of us, I was a bit interseted as I wanted to know how this type of data collection works.

My verdict: I felt like a robot!

"Tumpang tanye cik.. cik nak ke mane.. terime kasih ye!"

(Maaaaaaaaakkkk oiiiiiiii, penat tanye soklan yang same!) Then we had to endure the smoke and all that.. sheesh!

Still.. its better that being bored outta my wits! And hey.. the pays quite good to if you ask me so, yeah, I kinda love it (though not the I'll-do-it-everyday type of love it!)

..celebrating birthdays!

Yeay! My surprise really DID become a surprise.. :-)

And I'm glad.. berbaloi la jugak berlakon seharian ari Isnin ari tu haha.. Even from the week before, I had to pretend that I wanted to ask for help. Ni saje nak korek if he was going to Alor Setar or not on that day so when he said 'ok', bleh la proceed with the other plans (especially the ice-cream cake one.. nak kene settle gak tuh, kang tak pasai dah order, tetibe kawan takde lak)

Then the 'invitation card' haha.. bodo je kad tu but at first I just wanted to write it down on a note. Then as I was rummaging through my old cards, I came across a lot of coloured paper I had not used in a long time. Tangan pun dah berkarat nak buat homemade cards but since I couldn't sleep that night, I thought of just making the crude card to pass the time hehe.. Mesti cam lawak je kad buruk tu..

From early in the morning on the day before, when I usually message first before getting ready, but this time I had to get ready first before I messaged, just in case I woke him up early. Then I had to pretend I wasn't ready yet but I rushed to school so that it'll sort of force him to take his car haha.. Tapi ampeh, dia naik atas plak dah.. spoil tul. So terpakse buat muke kejam, didn't volunteer driving at all.

Then did my usual 'leave-my-keys-in-the-glove-compartment' thingey and prayed that he won't remind me to take it haha.. I even walked away quickly when we arrived at school after breakfast and pretended to be absorbed in my newspaper, just in case he remembered my keys! Then, remembering him saying that he wasn't well, terpakse buat² tanye what time did he wanna go back to the hostel as I had 'suddenly remembered' my keys! Bukan tak riso klau tetibe he says, "Takpe la, bior saye je amikkan kunci akak" Ni akan jadik spoiler beso klau jadi camtu..

I was relieved when he didn't ask anything even when I stopped him from following me back to his car, eventhough dalam hati sedikit riso die kecik ati coz I might've said it harshly. Then at his car, I had to make sure the card and gift was outta sight, just in case he opened his glove compartment.. then I had to just cross my fingers!

This morning, at 12.00am, I wished him and gave him the message. I was waiting for him to sms, asking what the small thing was but I was a bit surprised and touched when dia trus call! Heheh.. I'm really glad to make him feel happy as he seems to be.. well, distracted.. quiet.. different these past few days! Added the fact thathe also wasn't well..

So this morning, I fulfilled my promise for a 'Lets-pamper-you' day. I hope I cheered him up though but for me, I felt just happy seeing him smiling as a birthday boy should.

Then that afternoon, once again I had to trick him in staying in school, saying I had forgotten something and needed his help. Even got to rope in his supervisor in the surprise :-) But eventhough he got a whiff of it near the end, (ampeh Yun citer kat Lily awal²), I guess the whole lot of us managed to make him happy.

Whatever you felt that day, budak kecik, I hope we made you enjoy your day.. and I hope you're not mad at me for dragging you away from your work..

Happy birthday, Lil' One!

..planning birthday surprises!

In two more days, it'll be my Lil' Success's birthday.

Truth is, now I'm planning on HOW to give my card and present at 12.00am. I'm not staying in the hostel so it'll be very suspiscious if I suddenly come that night so I've been thinking on how to do it and the only solution I can come up with is to leave it in his car. Haha, I never thought planning a surprise could be soooo exhausting but I'm glad and happy to do something for a change instead of doing nothing, while waiting for my viva.

I had bought the gift last week when I had taken three days off (for clearing up my room and house too!) And I was a bit confused on HOW to give it as it has three separate packages but I guess I'd love to leave it in suspense so I'm only leaving the smallest part with the card in his car. Just cross my fingers and hope he doesn't find it first.

Well, the next part would be a bit tricky as I have to play my role carefully. Luckily, I'm known as a forgetful and clumsy girl who ALWAYS leaves my things around so I think I can fake a 'clumsy me' situation where I'll be able to hide the card. However, the crucial thing is to make sure I go to breakfast in HIS car so kene la bangun awal and message him a bit later than usual haha..

Hehe *rubbing hands* I just can't wait!!!

..concerned friends!

Yes! They made me feel stupid..

Yes! They annoyed me a bit with their not-the-right-time advice..

Yes! Some of them just rubbed salt to the wound, making me hurt all over..

Yes! It made me feel that no one cared..

BUT..

If they didn't, they won't say a thing..

If they didn't, they won't keep on checking-on me..

If they didn't, they won't make me cry out of gratitude, for making me realize that most of them DO care!

To those friends: Thank you! I love the whole lot of you *hugs*

..your shoulder to cry on!

I had such a miserable day yesterday. It started fine, but by noon, I was wishing I never got outta bed. I didn't realize how hurt I was, and I didn't realize how much I was behaving like a big cry baby..

I hated it when some people asked me to smile and forget about it. Well, yeah, I'll forget about it.. eventually *ashamed*. I hated it when some people said, there's no use crying over it. I hated it when people asked me, "And why should you care?"

I was already starting to feel so uncared for, AND not to mention so stupid, when an old friend called. He just asked me if I was ok, and when he realized I wasn't, he only said two words, "Just cry.."

God, it was such a huge relief to know that somebody understood that I needed to cry. It was such a relief to finally be able to say (though incoherently) something to someone whom I knew understood (or tried to understand) what I was feeling. It was soothing to know that there was someone out there who knew me enough to give time for me to grief.. it helped a lot for me to know that people DO care..

P/S
I know the time would come when this friend will 'hentam' me.. but for the time being, thanx for letting me cry!

..being called 'kakak'!

I've always referred to myself as 'akak' whenever I talk to anyone younger than me. To me, it is equivalent to 'saya' but used only for friends younger than me. It makes me feel comfortable with myself and with whom I'm speaking. However, there are certain exceptions for certain situations.

Like my family for instance, the younger ones call me 'kak Yong' which I also use as referance to myself but sometimes, when I meet strangers who have friendly children, I take pleasure in being called 'kakak'. 'Kakak' for me seems a bit formal for me to use in referance to myself sometimes, especially with people who are just a few years younger than me and I've always felt that 'kakak' is only used by the innocent children when they really put their trust in you. I also feel that 'kakak' seems a bit more manje hehe..

However, one day, a close friend of mine sent an sms to me. I don't really remember what is was about, but I remember the warm feeling I felt when this friend called me 'kakak'! It instantly reminded me of the small children I meet sometimes.. and to my surprise, I loved it when this friend called me 'kakak'.. it made me feel.. trusted like a real sister :-)

I reread the message and found that I liked the sound of it.. 'kakak'! An added plus (dah 'added', 'plus' plak lagi) to this is that I already think of this person as my own flesh and blood though I've never said it out loud. And everytime this friend called me 'kakak' again, even if my mind was in a mess, it just made me smile and feel very, very delighted that its become a habit for me to count how many times this friend calls me 'kakak'!

And for my 'adik' (if one day you ever find out about this blog).. thank you! You surely made my day :-)

..a completed job!

Yeay!!!

I've finally completed a simple job I should've done weeks ago hahah.. Its not that I didn't have time (well, maybe a bit about not having time jugak la..), but its also because I've never been in charge of this kinda thing before that I'm too afraid of messing it up, I just postpone it as long as possible..

But now, with the help of a fellow friend who's used to this kinda job, I've finally completed it.. and I also managed to persuade our 'boss' for an added bonus for all of us.. yeay! Now I just need someone creative to help design the things I'm supposed to be in charge with.. tak kreatif la katakan, kene la minak tolong orang, ye tak?

..being forgiven!

If anyone has been reading my other blog, you might read an entry I wrote on losing my temper, and venting it on a very close friend. Throughtout the day after I exploded, I was filled with regret and I thought things would take a long time to mend, especially when I remember how hurt my friend was.

Though my friend assured me the he/she understood, my heart wasn't the least feeling any better. It didn't help that I felt as if my friend was avoiding me (paranoid perharps, but if my friend WAS avoiding me, I should understand!)

But then, this morning, I was surprised when my friend accepted my offer to go have our usual Friday breakfast together. I had told my friend that I'd understand if I was denied this simple pleasure as I think maybe my friend might need some time after being the victim of my fury yesterday, but my friend replied cheerfully, making me feel a bit more ashamed of myself.. but indeed happier!

Throughout breakfast, my friend acted as if nothing had happened yesterday, even commented on me being a bit quiet (or in other words: ashamed of myself!) saying that maybe I'm still exhausted after our outstation work yesterday.

I'm still ashamed of myself, but I'm glad that I'm forgiven.. no, 'glad' is such a simple word. I'm happy, really² overjoyed that I'm being forgiven.. thank you, friend!